The Tree

   It's been a while, hasn't it?  I'll say we took the summer off.  Even though really, both Rachael and I have just been really busy with life for the past few months.  Finding time to blog is just not the easiest thing to do.
But tonight I find myself reading my scriptures (I'm really trying to make a better daily habit of this) and also writing here.
   A few weeks ago I went to a relief society (women's group) activity.  The focus was on the story of Lehi's dream from the Book of Mormon.  Right before I left the house, I'd lost my temper with my kids.  I almost didn't go to the activity and just felt like going somewhere to be by myself.  I couldn't think of a place to go, and I knew I really should go to this activity, so I did.
   I love all the things I learn about God's love when studying this story in the Book of Mormon.  If you want to read it, click on these links: 1 Nephi 8, 1 Nephi 11-14.  One thing I have recently learned is that the mists of darkness are really dark and easy to get lost in.  At our activity we followed a guide and held onto a 'rod' through a nursery garden.  At one point we passed through a covered area with extra trees and smoke machines.  It was still daylight and you could see pretty well, but at the same time it was deceiving how clouded our vision was because of the mist.  This isn't far from our own life experiences.  Darkness comes to each of us and unless we are dedicated to holding to the rod and sticking to the narrow path, we will be deceived faster than we think.  At first, the mist I passed through didn't seem so bad, until you were surrounded by it and realized that is disorients and distracts you.  Keep holding on to the Rod.  Don't let go because you think you can see and figure things out on your own.  The Tree awaits us.  God's love is real and never failing.  And where He is, there is no darkness.

(our Tree of Life)

 --Sarah

Becoming A Widow...

I haven't wanted to admit that I am now a widow. That word has always conjured up pictures in my mind of white haired women who have lost their spouses only in old age, certainly not a term to use for a young woman not yet 30 with a 9 month old daughter. Yet here I am, I have become a widow. My beloved Jared passed away February 1, just barely by my account, and I was thrown into widowdom unexpectantly, tragiclly, dramatically, and many other "ly's" that boil down to sadly. I am sad.

So here I find myself. 

While it is something I have become, I am coming to the realization that it is also something I am still becoming. Or rather, someone I am becoming. God, the ultimate weaver of life, is making a pattern that I cannot see. Will it be beautiful along the way or only in the end?

I look into my daughter's face, which looks so much like her daddy's, and joy and sorrow walk side by side into my heart. Grief and I have become fast friends as it has set up permanent residence there. And while happiness lives there too, she's gone on sabbatical and I don't know when to expect her back. But as my daughter smiles and her eyes sparkle like I've never seen before in someone, I feel hope and sense that we will be ok. The magnitude of love I have for her pushes out the dreariness and plants hope and peace in it's place. It's because of her I pick my weeping self off the shower floor knowing she will be waking up and needing to be fed. It's because of her I still try to plan fun things to do like go for walks or shopping outings. She deserves a happy mom. She is me and Jared all rolled into one perfect, beautiful angel.  

So here I go, down this new path as a widow still somewhat in the making. 

I am acutely aware of my daily dependence on the comfort and peace I find in Jesus Christ's Atonement. Through this and the prayers of many supportive family, friends, and strangers I've never met, I am being sustained each day at a time. Just when I feel that without Jared as the center of my whole world means my life will stretch on and on and on, I receive a tender mercy that reminds me just how much Jared loves me. I feel connected to him and love him in return. While I have become his widow, our love story continues even though we are apart. 

Our love story has been told to thousands more than I would have ever imagined and I am humbled and amazed by what is happening in my life now because if it. I have always known my husband had a special purpose on this earth, but it seems his ability to share his love for Jesus Christ and His gospel has been magnified beyond what I could have guessed. I am feverishly trying to journal all the wonderful experiences that are happening because I want my daughter to know one day of the legacy her daddy has left for her. 

I am now of the opinion that becoming a widow is really a calling of sorts. Like motherhood, I've now become part of widowhood. It's not a calling I would hope for nor wish on my worst enemy. But widowhood it seems is another pathway to become what my Heavenly Father wants me to be. I've been called upon to wade through this experience so The Weaver can shape and mold me into something more beautiful and glorious and place me next to my dear Jared once again who is being shaped and molded also in another sphere. 

I've had the thought cross into my mind this week that by being separated, albeit for a time, Jared and I have somehow been given more power and ability to do whatever it is God calls upon us to do. It's almost as if whatever our mission is together, it has to be done simultaneously on each side of the veil separating mortality and Paradise. I know I have become an instrument in Gods hands now, which is evident by what is transpiring in and around my life. 

I can't deny that it makes me wince to hear or say the word, but I am accepting my new title as widow. It's right up next to my ever divine calling as a mother. And all though somewhat in the shadows, I still feel my sacred and beloved calling as a wife is there too being pulled along the wayside of this new life being woven. I have been given a glimpse of what the overall pattern will be, and it is beautiful. I feel a tinge of disloyalty to my husband as I say that, but I cannot deny that in the 3 short months since his unexpected passing incredible blessings have been poured out over my daughter and I. So much that I am having to tuck them into every nook and crany I can find because there simply isn't room to recieve it all. I believe Jared has a hand in all if it, maybe choosing a thread here or a thread there, while God is teaching him to become a weaver himself one day. 

While I don't know much about who am without my husband by my side, and simply finding a new rhythm to life is my daily struggle, I am becoming someone who will one day match who my husband is becoming. I pray each day that my hope in Christ will eventually outweigh the scales against sorrow and fear. Grief and sadness along with love and goodness are tools in shaping who we are all becoming, and it is because of Jesus Christ's infinite Atonetment that enables us to become. 

The Weaver

My life is but a weaving

between my Lord and me;

I cannot choose the colors

He worketh steadily.

Oft times He weaveth sorrow

And I, in foolish pride,

Forget He sees the upper,

And I the underside.

Not til the loom is silent

And the shuttles cease to fly,

Shall God unroll the canvas

And explain the reason why.

The dark threads are as needful

In the Weaver's skillful hand,

As the threads of gold and silver

In the pattern He has planned.

Benjamin Malachi Franklin

Weeds

I love the rain we've had.  My yard isn't full of grass yet, so weeds have grown instead.  It might still be some time before we get the grass in, but I really want our kids to play outside as much as possible.  And for me, that means in a weed-free, pokey-sticker-free yard.  In order to achieve that, it means I have to get rid of what you see below.  

A look to the left.  There was just as many to the right.

This is where I started.

So, my reason for posting this is to show 1--wahoo, I pulled weeds, but 2-it made me think about all weeds and what an obstruction they are in our lives.
Weeds can look harmless, and at first they are, but then they grow and get stronger.  They grow thorns and stickers.  They grow anywhere you let them.  It takes effort and time to get rid of them.  At times you need tools like shovels, gloves, spades, garden hoes.  And sometimes, you need the help of other people to get rid of the weeds.  (Randy helped and was so much better at it then me.)
What weeds do you have in your life?  Sometimes weeds are past mistakes, limiting ideas or negativity that keep us from achieving our potential, or even just life's experiences.  How do you deal with those weeds?  How do you make your garden beautiful and what you really want?  Who is your helping hand?

I pulled the weeds in this little corner.  It took a long time, and was only 1/10 of the weeds there.

My awesome pile of weeds.  My son was eager to water the weeds and didn't want me to pull them.

A work in progress.

Although the life of a person is in a land full of thorns and weeds, there is always a space in which the good seed can grow. You have to trust God. -Pope Francis

Happy Birthday to Rachael!!!

Dear Rachael,

Happy Birthday!  Yes, I sent you a text today a day early, but I blame the foggy mindset I had on Sunday during church when I thought I overheard someone say "Monday the 18th...."  I've never messed up your birthday like that before.  I've probably been late, but definitely not early.  I guess you needed extra birthday wishes.

Dear Everyone Else,

For those who don't know my sister (aside from the 'About Us' page on this blog), let me tell you more about her, because she's pretty awesome.  She's not perfect, but she's pretty close to it.  I want to share with you more about her, because she's taught me some amazing things in her 29 years!

I don't remember not having Rachael in my life.  She and I are only 16 months apart, and I was too little to hold on to memories of me being the baby.  I don't remember it being just her and I either, because Matt was born a little more than a year after that.  So, since forever, we have been sisters.

We lived in a little duplex with our family and we played together all the time.  Our backyard was soo awesome and big and had this really cool swing set to play on. (Actually it's really tiny now that I'm a grown up.)  We wore a lot of matching dresses, especially at Easter.  There's this one picture of Rachael and she's in an Easter dress with a cute bonnet.  If you saw the photo, you'd see she had the best smiley face on it ever!  She was a natural for the camera.  Looking back at photos, Rachael has always had a smile for the camera. You can see in her eyes and grin the confidence she has always had about life.

Rachael has always been considered the "creative one."  When we were in elementary school, she was ALWAYS writing a story or poem or ideas.  I remember that I was convinced she was going to be an author and artist when we grew up.

We fought lots.  Sometimes more than others.  We got along pretty good too.  We loved to play with our barbie dolls--thankfully we had plenty to share.  Wherever I went, Rachael was probably close to follow.

In junior high school, I listened to the 'boring' radio station.  Rachael introduced me to country music.  To this day I love it.  She however moved on.  Rap music was a favorite of hers for a while.  

During high school we were opposite ends of the spectrum as far as our interests and activities, but make no mistake, no one could mess with my sister and get away with it.  Just as those who tried to get away with it-hahahaha.

Then we went to college.  Rachael is a brilliant genius.  She works hard for goals.  She's a bit "OCD" when it comes to organization and taking notes.  She has been known to recopy her notes more than once because of slight mistakes on the pages.  Me, I just scratch it out and move on; I don't keep notes with consistency despite my best efforts.  But Rachael's notes and memory are super impressive.

One of the best times we had together in college is when I lived in Crestview and Rachael lived in Snow Hall at the campus we were at.  I needed a break from whatever it was, and Rachael's place was great space to do that in, despite extreme numbers of freshmen everywhere I turned.  Once we hung out and watched some random movie that I thought was lame.  That night I let her pluck my eyebrows while I tried to ice them with ice cubes.  Lesson learned here:  just do it yourself, it's less painful!  We stayed up really late and fell asleep on the couches and a futon chair-terrible idea!  About 30 minutes into our sleep, some random dummy pulled the fire alarm.  Oh the sarcasm that followed!  Rachael is good for laughs and someone I'd want by me when stuff like that happens.

Eventually I met my husband.  She endured, ever so patiently, my stories and tales of love.  She even had us over to her place for dinner once because she wanted us to hang out together.  After Randy and I got married she said "There's engaged people, then then there's married people and then there's you guys" or something like that.  She moved her hand higher with each 'people type' but her tone was "oh please!" the entire time.  She loves me anyway.

Rachael met her sweetheart, Jared in grade 1 or 2 or kindergarten?  But they didn't start dating until 2009.  I think I need a recap of how it all came to be, but pretty much they were in love right away.  They were perfect for each other and anyone who knew either of them could tell.  Rachael and Jared got married in the San Diego Temple in 2010.  It was an amazing ceremony.  Important moments like that stay strong in our minds.  Liberty was born to Rachael and Jared this last July.  Libby is just sooooo cute!  They are a beautiful family.

Now, here's where some of my story is sad.  You may have been wondering what happened to all our posts.  We did so good up until the New Year.  Well, I think it's amazing what the Lord knows we need.  We talked about our plans for the year and the different days we want to have different kinds of posts.  However, it just wasn't coming together like we thought it would.  Mostly because Rachael and her family all got sick and it took a lot to recover.

Jared's recovery was the worst.  He just couldn't kick whatever was making him sick.  I'm not going to share all the details in this post, but Divine Works were occurring in Rachael's life.  We had a family fast for Jared to get better.  Jared had to go to the hospital.  The doctors tried to figure out what was going on.  On February 1st, Jared passed away and returned home to our Heavenly Father.  We were and still are in shock.  But, this we know, that God is in charge of our lives and has a plan for each of us.  

Rachael always thinks of others.  She uses her creativity to bless others too.  When I don't know how to decorate my own home, I video with her so that she can give me good ideas.  She is a Big Sister to me when it comes to Living the words of Jesus Christ.

So, it may be some time before we both get back into things with this here blog.  We have some ideas, but the pace isn't picking up starting tomorrow, fyi.  I know that our little story will take on an entire new level for us though.  Sisters Becoming is more than it was before.  We are becoming who God intends us to be in ways we didn't know He had planned for us.  We are learning what true faith is.  We are learning what true love is.  We are learning what it really means to say "Thy will be done."  We are becoming who God intends us to be.

Rachael, I am so happy that I get to share this journey with you.  So happy birthday!  I love you lots and lots.  And even though when we were little I felt like giving you a hug and a kiss was a punishment, I don't feel that way now.  

Love,

Sarah